did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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