i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
her vagine was all disorganized.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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