i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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