I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
