when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
