I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
