If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
