all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
