I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
