Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
