i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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