I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
