shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
