I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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