3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
