I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
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So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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