Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
