Ambien. No doubt about it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
