I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
