Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
