Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
