nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
