I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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