i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
