Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
