so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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