I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
