She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
