Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
