you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
