I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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