You can't motorboat a personality
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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