shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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