My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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