fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
whose parrot is this?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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