Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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