I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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