she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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