I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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