im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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