life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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