I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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