So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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