Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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