that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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