I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
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Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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