he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
