i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
