Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
