he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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