just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
