That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
