She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
