thus making me awesome and them whores
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Randomize
