break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Randomize
