I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
