Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize