I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
