i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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