Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I stole a fireplace last night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
