Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
