i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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