i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this will be a night to untag.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
